Fear is a power. Happiness cannot outweigh fear, it can only mask it. Fear can tear down even the strongest of people and it starts with a thought. Although we often manifest these fears ourselves, why do we still let it stop us from being the best we can be?

I must admit, I am fearful and I know exactly why. I have never been surrounded by such a positive force before, I have never felt like I can trust, I have never felt safe, until now. I have had an overwhelming amount of love and support showered on me in many different forms recently. Be it help from my partner to get back on my feet, his mother for being the mum I never had, the doctors and therapist who are helping me recover from depression, to the kind and loving people I have had the pleasure of meeting on the internet.

So far, I have done everything I set out to do. I have made Sweden my home. I have achieved the little things like getting a bank account, registering at healthcare practices, enrolling in school, changing my driver’s licence over, getting my name put on the door. All of the usual things one would need to be established somewhere new. The thing is, there is absolutely no way I could have done this on my own. If it was not for my other half, I would still be hugging myself in the darkness wondering what to do next. I am eternally grateful and I hope he knows this.

Well Sara, it seems everything is peachy, so what gives?” You may be asking. Where does my fear fit it? Well, for the first time in a very long time my life is back in my own hands. I am now solely responsible for whether I succeed or fail. I am afraid that I am not strong enough to finish what I set out to do, that I will become stagnant at my own hands because I lack self discipline and focus. I am to learn a whole new language, this is my first step to independence. A step I think is important to become properly integrated into Swedish society, nobody can learn this for me, I have to do it for myself.

I think back to all of my successes, which I can not think of many and I recall there always being someone holding my hand. I have relied too much on a safety net that I have lost any faith in my own abilities. Ahead of me is the life I have always dreamed of: simplicity, security, happiness. With all the help I have in place, one would think that I have this in the bag, but for some reason that is not how I feel. I feel that if I cannot do this, then not only do I let myself down, but I let down all of those who have stuck their necks out to support and get me this far.

I suppose you could say my fear is returning to the darkness. I guess I will just have to keep walking towards the light.

Until next time, stay amazing.



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8 thoughts on “Fear

  1. Charles says:

    “Don’t worry. Be happy.” I can think about a dozen anecdotes for fear. I had someone tell me once that I have to live for the moment, and they’re right, otherwise you will spend all your time worrying about things, things that may never even come to pass. So you just kind of have to walk through life with some degree of acceptance. The serenity prayer: to courage to change the things you can, the strength to accept the things you cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference. But this is life. And this if fate. Life is constantly changing. You just kind of have to roll with it. Things will be okay, though I often have to remind myself of this. I had a firend tell me once, many many years ago working in West Texas, or not working as the case was, not knowing where out next meal was coming from, living in the middle of some cotton field in a very small house. And he says “you always get by.” And he was right. You always get by. Somehow. Someway. You get through it. Personally, I miss those days, whenI was younger, and didn’t worry about anything. I would just pack my back pack, take my guitar, and step out the door, not even worrying where I would sleep or when or how I would or what I would eat, just go out on the road, hitchhiking all over the southwest without a care, going into Mexico all along the Gulf Coast a free spirit. Even day I consider leaving everything behind and just traveling. You only live once. Make the best of it. Don’t be afraid. Don’t spend your time obsessing or worrying about things. just live & be happy. and when one day when you look back on it all, even the bad things, you will be glad it all happened. and remeber above all–you are loved.


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