Fear is a power. Happiness cannot outweigh fear, it can only mask it. Fear can tear down even the strongest of people and it starts with a thought. Although we often manifest these fears ourselves, why do we still let it stop us from being the best we can be?
I must admit, I am fearful and I know exactly why. I have never been surrounded by such a positive force before, I have never felt like I can trust, I have never felt safe, until now. I have had an overwhelming amount of love and support showered on me in many different forms recently. Be it help from my partner to get back on my feet, his mother for being the mum I never had, the doctors and therapist who are helping me recover from depression, to the kind and loving people I have had the pleasure of meeting on the internet.
So far, I have done everything I set out to do. I have made Sweden my home. I have achieved the little things like getting a bank account, registering at healthcare practices, enrolling in school, changing my driver’s licence over, getting my name put on the door. All of the usual things one would need to be established somewhere new. The thing is, there is absolutely no way I could have done this on my own. If it was not for my other half, I would still be hugging myself in the darkness wondering what to do next. I am eternally grateful and I hope he knows this.
“Well Sara, it seems everything is peachy, so what gives?” You may be asking. Where does my fear fit it? Well, for the first time in a very long time my life is back in my own hands. I am now solely responsible for whether I succeed or fail. I am afraid that I am not strong enough to finish what I set out to do, that I will become stagnant at my own hands because I lack self discipline and focus. I am to learn a whole new language, this is my first step to independence. A step I think is important to become properly integrated into Swedish society, nobody can learn this for me, I have to do it for myself.
I think back to all of my successes, which I can not think of many and I recall there always being someone holding my hand. I have relied too much on a safety net that I have lost any faith in my own abilities. Ahead of me is the life I have always dreamed of: simplicity, security, happiness. With all the help I have in place, one would think that I have this in the bag, but for some reason that is not how I feel. I feel that if I cannot do this, then not only do I let myself down, but I let down all of those who have stuck their necks out to support and get me this far.
I suppose you could say my fear is returning to the darkness. I guess I will just have to keep walking towards the light.
Until next time, stay amazing.
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